Tuesday, 3 March 2009

How did i get here?

Its a strange old world. Life often doesn't turn out the way you dreamed it would.

12 years, 5 months and 16 days ago I married the man of my dreams. He was everything I ever dreamed of- Good looking, career minded, but above all the kindest most caring man you could ever wish to meet. There was nothing that Simon would not do for me and I felt like the happiest person alive!

Our wedding day was sumptuous! Planned to the second by my mother, who thought all her birthdays and Christmas's' had come at once and she had the opportunity to create the perfect wedding for her one and only daughter. We had the marquee on the lawn of the family home, the string quartet and even the fireworks at the end of the night - it was the perfect day!

Best of all I had the most gorgeous man I could ever have wished for. Life couldn't get much better. I felt more complete than I had ever done in my life.

We left for a three week honeymoon in Thailand and Singapore - the perfect newly weds, unable to keep our hands off each other and just happy to be in each others company.

Ive never loved anyone the way I loved Simon. A deep, burning love and a safe love - knowing someone will always be there for you.

Fast forward this to today and I wonder where it has all gone.

I understand that the first flush of the newly weds can not be expected to last, but by the second week of the honeymoon, the physical aspect of our marriage was waning but I was madly in love and just assumed that Simon was tired and things would improve once we were home.

Things didn't improve - but we got on great and he was affectionate and loving, but the sex became less and less frequent and in the first year of marriage, we only had sex a handful of times.

I don't remember when it really got bad - I mean after all, the sex when we had it, was amazing! Passionate and enjoyable and I know he really enjoyed it. Every time, we agreed we should have sex more frequently, but instead it dwindled and dwindled.

By some miraculous feat, I got pregnant the one and only time had sex in 1999 and then it stopped....

My attempts at getting Simon to confront his problems were falling on deaf ears. He totally refused to discuss it with me on any level. In fact, when i mentioned to him that we needed to talk about the situation, he would close his eyes, put his head back on the sofa and refuse to speak to me completely.

When pushed, he would threaten to leave me rather than confront whatever it was that was stopping all levels of intimacy in our marriage.

I threw myself into looking after our beautiful son and tried to forget about it.


  1. Hi

    There is so much of your blog post that resonates with me, but in my case it's my wife who not only seems to have lost interest in sex, but now actively resists it.

    Like you, things deteriorated over a long period (about 15 years in our case) and towards the end of our sexual activity it became very predictable and formulaic. We ended up doing just one position to suit my wife, and later once she was satisfied all sexual activity stopped, regardless of whether I was was satisfied or not.

    I have tried to discuss it with her, but she refuses and attempts to imply that I'm some sort of sex maniac expecting to have a sex life in my mid-40s.

    As you will see from my blog I've tried to 'do without' but I reached the point where I needed to prove to myself that it wasn't me with the problem.

  2. hi there - sorry to barge into your comments like this but i'm a freelance writer researching a piece about virtual confession and i'd love to interview you about your blog - anonymously of course! if you're interested in talking could you drop me a line to heidi@giftofthegab.net - thanks. heidi

  3. hi there just to say i'm still really keen to talk to you about your blog for an article i'm researching. please drop me a line to heidi@giftofthegab.net if you're interested in talking further - thanks!

  4. Sadly, I think your situation is not that uncommon. That doesn't make it any easier, but you're not alone. Hugs (with maybe a little feel. I'm a dog, after all! ;) )

  5. I hope you are okay. You are not alone. There is no shortage of us out here in internet land. People who want affection from a spouse who can't be motivated to give it. I have found it surprisingly helpful to sound off, and I think it got better when I found out that people were listening. Professional help is something to consider, but it sounds like your husband might be the one who needs to work on it.

  6. Sending you lots of love and moral support... courage! you can find another way I am sure... XXXXX

  7. If your husband doesn't agree to some kind of help from a professional than you should get out as quick as possible. This is why there is divorce courts. There's nowhere to go but down,sorry.